


Constellations and Closets

by phoenixfire_19



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Bonding, Canon-Typical Violence, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, F/F, F/M, Family Issues, Hogwarts, Horcruxes, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Self-Harm, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 15:22:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29935446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixfire_19/pseuds/phoenixfire_19
Summary: Regulus Black is tired of surviving. After being abandoned by his brother and left trying to survive in a world of darkness, he throws himself into bringing down the Dark Lord. Everyone snaps one day, though. When that day comes for Regulus, it leaves him bleeding, shaking, and poisoned on the doorstep of his brother and his friends, the brother who left and never came back.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Regulus Black/James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 46





	1. Part One

It all started when the selfish bastard walked out, if Regulus was being honest.

_“Don’t go, don’t leave me! You promised!”_

_You promised…_

He knew what would happen; he wasn’t an idiot, despite what their mother said. Ever since he was sorted into Gryffindor, he knew. He was far too brave and courageous and s _tupid_.

Never staying quiet, never being obedient, wouldn’t just _shut up and sit down_.

Couldn’t hold out for his brother, couldn’t make it through one more fucking year.

Couldn’t think about it like a Slytherin, like survival and advantages and power, like turning tables.

_“Just stay, you`ll be the head of the house in a year and we can change everything! Its not so far.”_

_“I can`t, I`m not like you.”_

Regulus wonders if his brother remembers the nights hiding in the closet, under bedsheets as the house screamed and creaked. Of the shadows and nightmares and broken promises. Of the dinner parties and the curses afterwards. Of the first time their mother hit him, when he ran to his older brother crying.

_“Its okay, Reggie, I`ll never leave you. We`ll make it together, I promise. Just you and me.”_

The first weekend he was alone in that house, when news of his brother`s red and gold came, he was so afraid. He crept to his brother`s room, pulling the bedsheet into the closet; he never slept that night, hearing echoes of the screaming and rage. He cried alone.

He trembled for hours the day he came home, he just wanted to hug him, to know he was really there. The whole summer was waiting but Sirius was home, he would protect him. Sneaking to his room, he was awed by tales of school, of magic and freedom and _James_. Always James.

He held his brother`s hand the whole train ride his first year. His hands were cold when the hat called “Slytherin!”. He found Sirius in the Library a few times, but his brother only had eyes for Remus.

_But I have scars too, brother. Ours match, remember? Why not me?_

He waited outside Gryffindor Tower for hours, for days. He gave up in February.

The moment things changed; Sirius`s door shut in his face the first night home that summer.

_“I don’t trust you or your Slytherin friends! Snakes, the lot of you!”_

_“I wish James was my brother instead of a stupid Slytherin.”_

_“You`re going to end up just like Mum.”_

Regulus stopped trying after that. Kept a stone face when his brother would scream back to their parents, slamming doors. Silent. Unproblematic. The new heir of the House of Black.

So he did what he had always done: survived. Made new friends in Slytherin, friends his parents would be proud of. He scrapped for approval at every opportunity, trying to divert attention from his brother`s failings.

The years passed in curses, blood, scars, hexes, fighting, _so much fighting_. He watched from the sidelines as James Potter became everything he wasn’t allowed to be. He watched his brother fall in love; he healed his wounds the night their parents found out, he cleaned up the blood. He took the silent treatment, the insults, the doubt, the hate, the glares.

_Sirius was still in there, somewhere. He`d remember, one day. He`d remember they were brothers._

Then it happened. Sirius`s sixth year. He found him in the hall, lugging his trunk with blood dripping down his face and half of his face bruised. The two brothers stared at each other. Regulus felt his stomach drop.

_“You`re_ _– you`re leaving me?”_

_Silence._

_“Why?”_

_“Goodbye, Regulus. I hope you grow up. If you`re going to be a coward, do yourself a favor and die before you turn into them.”_

The sound of the door slamming stopped his heart.

Regulus did not cry that night. He did not sneak into his brother`s room. He did not sit at the window, waiting and watching for his brother to change his mind and come back to him. That night, Regulus sat in front of the mirror and swore to his reflection to survive, to change things, to make things better.

_I`ll show you, brother. I`ll show you how we could`ve done it. I`ll prove to you that I can survive. And then you`ll be sorry._

Then it was whispers and nails digging into his shoulders, rotten breath against his cheek. It was meetings late into the night and dark magic pooling around his feet. It was fear and threats and death, _so much death_. It was unhinged, mad, manic joy and his cousin cackling and _god, he just wanted his brother_.

He was paired with Remus in Potions that year. He had to sit with his brother`s boyfriend, talk to his brother`s boyfriend, pretend that he didn’t care that they hated him.

He tried once, the week before it happened.

_“Lupin, please, I need to talk to Sirius. Please.”_

_“Black, you`re not getting anywhere near him.”_

_“Just ask. I_ _– I need him.”_

Maybe it was how his voice broke. Maybe it was the look in his eyes, of a boy who knew he was already dead.

_“I`ll try.”_

Sirius did not come that night. Or the next. For that whole week, Regulus sat on the cold tile floor, shaking in fear.

It felt like dying. It felt like the sound of that slamming door was reverberating through his skull, like his heart had been crushed in the door. His skin was blistering away as the Dark Mark wormed its way into his skin like a parasite. He screamed and cried as a man old enough to be his grandfather grinned, welcoming him as if the pain was a blessing. As if Regulus didn’t already know pain and betrayal and fear.

But Regulus was alone. No one would save him. No one cared. He wondered if Sirius hoped he was dead yet. He wondered if Sirius wanted to kill him, as he lay under his pounding fists outside of the Great Hall, as McGonagall`s steps got closer. He said nothing as he was pierced by McGonagall`s pitying gaze, ignored the tears in Madam Pompfrey`s eyes.

Then it was his arm burning and missed classes, late night muggle-hunts and blood. Everything was wrong, so wrong. He didn’t even notice when the halls emptied of his brother and his friends, gone and graduated onto better lives.

But everyone had a breaking point.

Regulus`s had been building for fourteen years. He sat in his bedroom on Christmas Eve, drunk on the family`s good liquor. It was brought out as a celebration; the most recent campaign ended with his cousin slaughtering a muggle couple and their two boys, clutching each other in the hall closet. The three year old`s eyes haunted Regulus from the shadows; he already knew that no alcohol would wash that sight away. So he found himself high on some muggle substance purchased in an alleyway, stumbling to his brother`s closet. He cried for his brother, for his home, for his innocence, for short sleeved shirts and joy, for life and dreams and love.

And just like that, he snapped.

Regulus went down to the wine cellar, grabbing every bottle of vodka and rum. He poured it on every bloodstained carpet, every couch and chair touched by a death eater, every hallway that the Dark Lord walked.

The fire burned it all. It burned the door that Sirius slammed, it burned the dent in the wall caused by his skull; it burned his parents, asleep in their beds. It burned the constellations of two brothers, carved into Sirius `s closet floor by two boys desperate for a sign to survive.

Those boys were dead.

With Kreacher at his side, he hoped for one last act of rebellion, to prove to his brother that he could be brave too. His bleary eyes blinked as he followed the planned out path to his destruction; a soul for a soul. He wondered if the Dark Lord felt as empty as he did, with all the pieces of his own soul he had lost along the way.

Sirius: gone.

His future: gone.

His innocence: gone.

His life: gone.

So he drank every last drop of that damned poison, left his last spark of life written as the type of carefully constructed insult he had been raised to deliver. The last stand of a dying boy.

The Inferi`s nails felt like his mother`s. Perhaps it was her last revenge. As he was dragged back to the water, he angled his forearm down; he would not die with the Dark Lord`s mark still intact. He felt the jagged rock tear through his skin, his tendons, muscles, scraping bone. His blood spilled out greedily, eager to escape this torturous body he was imprisoned in.

As the water reached his shoulders, he took one last breath.

Before he was ripped through space by the callused, knuckled hand of his only friend.


	2. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regulus wakes up and has to explain himself.

Regulus stumbled on his feet, held upright by Kreacher`s crooked body. The drugs, alcohol, and poison numbed the pain in his body, but he could feel the life pouring out of his body with every step. His hazy vision made out a door before him, no doorbell or knocker. He limply flung his useless arm against the door, leaving a trail of blood streaked against the paint.

The door was thrown open and a wand pointed in his face, before dropped in shock.

“Oh my god!” A woman`s voice gasped as Regulus tried to focus on the messy hair and glasses two feet in front of him.

“James, who–“

Regulus was roughly pulled into the apartment by James Potter and collapsed against the wall. He could vaguely make out James yelling to Lily, the witch running to a cabinet. Tears streamed out of his eyes as he tried to focus on his surroundings. He lifted his head, only to see the hazy figure of his brother in front of him.

“What. The. Fuck.” Sirius stated in disbelief and quiet anger.

“LILY!” James shouted, startling Regulus. He looked down at his arm. James was gripping it tightly, trying to staunch the rapid flow of blood spilling out.

_I should probably be able to feel that._

And he slipped into unconsciousness.

\---

“–want to know how he knew where we were! He`s a fucking snake and–“

“Sirius, does he look like he`s in any shape to go anywhere? And you know it was Kreacher and you both being Blacks.”

“I DON’T CARE, WE`RE NOT SAFE AS LONG AS HE`S HERE!”

“Remus, take him out–“

\---

“–think that was him? What happened to the house?”

“I don’t know, Lily, I don’t know what to believe anym–“

\---

“–why`d you have to do it, go off and become one of them? We could`ve made it, Reggie, we could`ve–“

\---

“–bad is it?”

“I stitched it up as best I could, I`ve been trying to give him blood replenishing potions. I did a scan pretty soon after he passed out and James, there was so much alcohol and some Muggle substance and a poison I cant identify, James, I don’t know how to fix it if I don’t know what it is–“

“Hey, shhh, we`ll ask when he wakes up. You did your best, Lils.”

\---

Everything hurt. He woke up with a whimper, tears springing to his eyes involuntarily. A noise caused his head to spin. Blinking, he once again made out the shape of his brother, who stood in the doorway staring at him. After what seemed like ages, Sirius broke eye contact and walked away, silent. Regulus winced as he rolled back over. He caught sight of his left arm, which was all bandaged in white. As he took in the small room around him, a figure appeared in the doorway.

“Good morning,” Lily Evans stated.

Regulus nodded, before grimacing. “Morning.”

She walked over to the bed, running her wand over him before nodding and measuring out a portion of a potion sitting on the bedside table.

“Drink.”

He obeyed, watching her hesitantly as she sat on the edge of the bed.

“How are you feeling?” she asked quietly.

“Too much.” He responded, equally soft.

“Were–“ she swallowed. “Were you trying to kill yourself, Regulus?”

He closed his eyes. “No, that just would’ve been a positive consequence.”

He felt a gentle hand run over his. He opened his eyes to see Lily looking down at their hands.

“I don’t think this world is done with you yet, Regulus Black.” She smiled softly at him before standing up.

“Are you well enough to be upright?”

He sighed, wincing. “No, but I`ll have to be. I reckon my brother will kill me if I don’t provide an explanation in the next twenty minutes.”

As she helped hoist him up, she whispered. “You know, he stayed awake all night outside your door, waiting.”

Regulus didn’t know what to do with that information. Instead, he focused on relying on Lily`s incredible strength as she practically carried him out of the room. As they made their way into the kitchen, he could see James, Remus, and Sirius seated around the table with his wand, the Horcrux, and his small pocket notebook in the center. They all regarded him warily as Lily sat him down at the table; Remus with apprehension, James with worry, and Sirius with anger.

Regulus closed his eyes.

“The Dark Lord trusted me–“

“GET THE FUCK OUT!” Sirius roared, standing up from the table.

Remus grabbed his arm and firmly stated, “Sirius, sit.”

Regulus could not look at his brother, instead focusing on the locket.

“The Dark Lord trusted me far too much.” He whispered, trying to find strength. “I`ve spent the past year trying to find answers, solutions, loopholes, hope, anything. And I found it.”

He reached forward with his good arm, grabbing the notebook.

“I`m sure you`re all familiar with the concept of a Horcrux?”

Silence fell like a boulder, heavy and painful. Regulus looked up to see them staring at the locket in shock. He nodded.

“Yeah, that’s one.” He opened the notebook, casting a quick _Revelio_. “He split his soul into at least six Horcruxes. I`ve been researching and I think I`ve figured out what most of them are.”

He pushed his notebook forward as everyone tried to subtle-y lean over it. “He`s obsessed with the history so it’s the locket of Slytherin, Ravenclaw`s diadem, which has conveniently been missing, the goblet of Helga Hufflepuff, a ring that I think was his father`s and–“

He paused. “And the fucking snake.”

Revulsion twisted through the people at the table. Sirius had since sat down, face white. James looked sick, while Remus and Lily`s faces were grim.

“I`m only missing one, and then its just him.” He looked at each of them. “We can actually kill him. This is proof that there`s hope. With what we know now, he`s just a man.”

It was silent.

“Oh my god.” Lily broke the silence.

James reached forward, picking up the locket. Then he chuckled. “The little shit.”

Regulus tried to crack a smile, then looked into his brother`s face. Sirius avoided eye contact.

“So that’s it? You think you get to just waltz in here after how many years, after all the shit you pulled, saying that you`ve been trying all along and everything`s actually okay? That we just have to pretend that nothing ever happened? That you`re brave, that you`re on our side?”

Regulus didn’t answer.

“That’s not fair.” Sirius whispered. Then, he slowly stood up and walked out of the room.

Regulus looked down. He should’ve known. He`d never be good enough for Sirius. Not when he was ten, or eleven, or sixteen. He wasn’t brave enough, Gryffindor enough, he wasn’t _James_.

He blinked away tears to see a cup of tea being placed in front of him as Remus sat on his right side. The werewolf tried to smile.

“He`ll come around. He has a habit of seeing good even in monsters.”

Lily cleared her throat as Regulus sipped his tea. “Regulus? Can you talk about how you found this?”

He flinched. “He asked to take Kreacher. Kreacher came back ill, shaking, poisoned. That`s when the pieces clicked; I didn’t have proof before. So I went on–“ he cut himself off.

“Is today Christmas?” he whispered.

They nodded and he smiled. “That`s nice.” He scanned the room, eyes falling on the tree in the corner of the living room. He kept his eyes fixed on the twinkling lights, on the joy, as he continued the story.

“There was a basin, I had to drink it. I don’t know what it was but I was so thirsty, everything hurt. But the locket was there. I switched it out with a fake. Then the Inferi crawled out of the lake. Thankfully, Kreacher brought me here.”

He didn’t see as the three exchanged a look. Deep breaths, in and out. Everything would be fine. He was so tired.

He barely felt it as he was carried back to bed. The last thing he remembered was hearing James whisper, “You turned out alright, baby Black. You`re safe here. Rest.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everybody! i hope you guys are enjoying this story! i`m absolutely loving writing it! please comment and subscribe! let me know what you think :)  
> stay safe


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